The Misconception of the Stages of Grief

What Elisabeth Kubler-Ross desperately wants you to know

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross,

The stages of grief is the most recognized grief theory, adapted from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ 1969 book, On Death & Dying. The stages are:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

The theory is a description of the experience of terminally ill patients at a University of Chicago hospital, as they faced their own mortality. 

The stages of grief are a distillation of clinical interviews conducted with terminally ill patients, not a longitudinal study meant to be applied to all who grieve.

While these emotions are common in bereavement, Kubler-Ross found that grief is not a linear experience; one may be accepting, then angry, then depressed and bargaining, etc. One may experience all or none of these “stages” in their unique grieving process.

It would be nice if grief looked like this:

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

But in reality it looks like this:

Photo by Jack B on Unsplash

Grief is multifaceted, reflecting your relationship with the person who died. It can’t simply go in one direction because relationships are dynamic and alive, and so is your grief. You may smile at a photo of your late brother one morning, and that afternoon let out a scream when you start to text him a funny meme, realizing anew that you can’t press send.

Grief is hard. Grief is exhausting. There is no correct formula for how to grieve, and yet, people are resilient. We keep living, and we bring those we love with us.