Numbness & Grief: Part I
The science behind the stillness.
I recently fielded questions for my upcoming video series, “Ask a Thanatologist.” I decided to pluck this question from the fold and present it in writing:
“After my friend died, I just felt numb. Is this normal?”
Have you ever felt numb after receiving tragic news? Perhaps after learning someone you love dearly has died, a beloved family pet is gravely ill, or that you’ve lost your job?
A profound loss can be more than the brain can handle. The reaction of grief overrides the neocortex’s ability to sense, think, and act, as well as the limbic system’s ability to process and regulate emotions.
Perceiving the debilitating grief as life-threatening, the sympathetic nervous system swoops in, armed with fight, flight, or freeze. It then numbs your emotional and mental state, creating a protective barrier between you and the intense pain of your loss.
With your mental and emotional integrity in tact, thanks to your body’s defense mechanisms, you’re able to move forward and tend to the logistics of the loss. This may involve coordinating travel, notifying family and friends of a death, filling out hospital forms, writing an obituary…the list could supply me with endless future post topics.
Numbness serves an evolutionary purpose in the acute phase of grief, helping us navigate the immediate aftermath of a loss. But if you find yourself stuck in a state of numbness many months later, when the only purpose is to not feel the pain of your grief, it may be time to allow those feelings back in.
More on that to come.
A year ago May, a client I hadn't connected with in a couple years texted me out of the blue. The day before, her husband had died suddenly, heart attack. She found herself 49 years old, widowed, and not knowing how or what to feel. I was her second call. She has since gone through many forms of emoting, numbness being one of the more prominent. She called me because she knew that I had faced my own sudden losses in life, and she knew I am not afraid of Death or any of the not-so-friendly "ghosts" that come hand in hand with the Grim Reaper.
And, as I held her while she sobbed, I felt the profound intersecting paradox of two emotions: numbness and overwhelm.
There most definitely is a science to how the human body and nervous system processes intense experiences. The FREEZE response being a mysterious one.
There is also a deep spirituality to how the human psyche and soul evolves through intense experiences (such as death and loss). The FREEZE response being a mysterious on in that spiritual system as well.
I know that numbness. It is useful for a while. But yes, soon you have to face the feelings and find a new strength to overcome the pain. ✨