Grieving Styles

Drs. Terry Martin and Kenneth Doka identified two general grieving styles: intuitive and instrumental. 

Intuitive Grieving Style

• Intense emotional reaction to the loss. 

• Want to share grief with others. 

• Unrestrained expressions of grief: crying, wailing, moaning, etc. 

• Feel depressed, anxious, and fatigued. 

  Instrumental Grieving Style

• Thinking is dominant, feelings are less intense. 

• Reluctant to talk about feelings. 

• High energy.

• Problem solving gives a feeling of control over emotions and environment. 

• Benefit from physical activity to express the psychic energy of grief. 

Intuitive Griever Example

A young, healthy person has a parent die. For several months after the death, this normally very active person experiences debilitating bouts of fatigue. These episodes coincide with intense feelings of sadness about their loss. After months of therapy and talking about the loss with friends, the fatigue subsides and their energy levels return to normal. 

Instrumental Griever Example

An elderly man’s wife of many years dies. He finds no comfort or relief in crying or exploring his emotions, but as a welder and avid cyclist finds his own way to grieve: He makes his wife’s urn himself, secures it to his bicycle, and plans a trip down the coast, stopping in places that were significant to them during their marriage and leaving her ashes in each spot. For this person, the physical act of creating her urn and the mental act of planning the trip was his most effective form of grieving. 

Though it is useful to identify which grieving style is most helpful for you, Drs. Martin and Doka recognized that we are all ultimately blended grievers. Maybe what is most therapeutic for you is starting a scholarship fund in your loved one’s name, but heartfelt conversations weave their way into your grief journey along the way.